


You can’t always get what you want.... unless you’re Phil Mitchell

by Anonymous



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: M/M, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:20:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26648146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: A little insight how to Callum might be feeling in a few months time.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Collections: Anonymous





	You can’t always get what you want.... unless you’re Phil Mitchell

**Author's Note:**

> First and probably only attempt at a fic. Apologies in advance.

Callum pushes a smile onto his face as he watches Ben and Phil share a joke across the table. Ben’s hand rests on his thigh, hot through the denim of his jeans. He feels sick.

Resentment. It’s there itching under the surface of his skin, clawing at the back of his throat. 2 months ago he was someone. He was doing something with his life, and for the first time in a long time, he felt worthy of his place in the world. But then Ben got arrested, and the dream he’d worked so hard for became a nightmare. Everything crumbled away under his feet. And for what? To save Phil Mitchell? ‘To save the man you love’ he argues back to himself in his head. It feels poisonous. 

He has to get out of there. He can’t stand another second of Phil’s shit-eating grin. 

He’d gotten everything he wanted. Again. 

Phil Mitchell wins. Again. 

Callum despises him for it. But he despises himself more for letting it happen. He’s back to not being able to look at himself in the mirror because he hates the person staring back at him. He thought he’d moved on from here. Kidded himself that he was finally on the right track. Stupid, always so stupid. 

“Are you eating those or are you just gonna stare at ‘em?” 

Phil’s gruff voice shakes him from his thoughts. He focuses back in the room to find Ben staring at him with a look of concern, Phil with a smirk on his face.

Ben’s hand squeezes a little at his thigh.

“You OK babe?”

Callum forces himself to nod, even though he feels as though he’s drowning. “Curry sauce.... can’t eat chips without curry sauce.”

“Shit, sorry Cal. You asked for that didn’t you? Then Dad rang asking for mushy peas and it went outta my head...”

Even in the little things Phil comes first. Callum hates this, hates that he has become so bitter about even the most trivial of things.

“Don’t matter. I’ll run and get some now.”

He pushes away from the table, the chair scraping on the floor. Coldness replaces the warmth where Ben’s hand once rested. 

“Well, don’t be too long or I’ll have eaten them meself” Phil says through a chuckle, just as Ben is assuring him he’ll stick them in the oven to keep them warm.

Ben and Phil resume their conversation as Callum slips his arms through his coat, and opens the kitchen door to leave. Ben’s laughter ringing in his ears as he gently shuts the door behind him. Relief floods his body as he steps out into the cold night air. The dead weight on his chest begins to ease.

He’s not sure how much longer he can do this. Play happy families with a man who he loathes with every sinew of his body. 

Ben- you can do this for Ben. And he can- he’d do anything for him, the love he has for him guides everything he does. 

He just hopes it is enough, because at the moment it feels like he’s suffocating.

**Author's Note:**

> If you got this far- thank you!


End file.
